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Saturday, 29 March 2014

A little boring catch-up... (a post that should have been posted but was sat there as a draft - so rather out of synch as this is really from October 2013!)

So I have officially left the nursing course - this was hard to do but I'd known for months that this really wasn't going to be happening. I was/am happy with this, I don't look backwards that much (or at least I don't believe regrets are much use in life), it's not that I am wonderfully forward looking, endlessly planning my direction or anything I just prefer to move on but it was still hard... Why? I think that while I don't need a strong direction I'm very aware that I am squatting in the middle of a crossroads at the moment and that rather than moving on, choosing a path to follow, I am, for a while, just camped out here. This is what feels strange, to leave the old behind but not actually move on to the new.

Current things that are keeping me at a crossroads:
  • We are half-way (ish) through buying a house, exchange of contracts should have taken place every day for the past two weeks
  • I have a place on a Masters in Public Health course that I can't take up due to the ridiculous way they set the fees: £4,500 for full time, £9,000 for part time. So that is deferred for at least a year whilst they come to their senses or I win the lottery!
  • I've been looking for part-time (very part-time) jobs, but ones where I feel I am using my brain and are on a new path (see I just hate following old paths).
  • Oli is still suffering with his CFS, but at least we have had no big set-backs since the weather became cooler (the hot summer was hell for him).
New paths or at least ones I am peering down to see if I like the view:
  • Oli has now started attending The Stables Project part-time and this is going well. After his first full teaching day he came home nearly bouncing. Mainly excited about the Gold Arts Award and how it was "just brilliant" for him.
  • I start a (very) part-time job on Friday; pharmacy trainee - a slightly random direction but that's nothing new for me! Just Friday afternoons and some Saturday mornings to begin with, in Knaresborough.


All change at the next stop...

Well in my last post I promised it wouldn't be a two month wait and it was not, it has been six months! Six months of bits and pieces of change. Chronologically:

The sad loss of Angela Michel, co-author and co-walker with Nick Warlow of Freedom to Rome: A Long Walk, at the end of November seemed to come so soon after hearing she had cancer. A truly beautiful spirit with the ability to create whole choirs of angels through her wonderful gifts of singing and teaching.

A new job since early October, pharmacy dispensing, just one afternoon per week in Knaresborough. I'm enjoying the learning and the doing aspects, the people are great but my mind is not inspired enough to feel this as part of my being. So learning, doing but not being... hmm I need something more...

My father turned 80 on 20th December 2013 and we managed to get the whole family together for a celebration! This was something of a feat as we have not all been together for quite some years. The logistics of coordinating travel and group hospitality from France, Germany, Essex, Oxfordshire and Yorkshire, plus life changing events such as moving home/country, babies, studying, graduating have prevented a family gathering happening. We rented a fantastic converted barn in Ludlow, little more than a stones throw from my parents new house, and enjoyed a convivial family meal for 17 which included new members as well as old.

We had our last Christmas at Fox on the Roof Cottage and a wonderfully family filled time it was, Shelly and Dean, and Tim and Anneken were able to come directly to York from Ludlow and stay with us through Christmas. It was a good way to end our tenure of the lovely, tatty cottage that has been our home for over 5 years. I expected to miss it but actually don't; proof, I hope, that our new house is already becoming the home we were looking for :)

As we were busy with our move my step-son, Rab, took the huge leap of moving cities for the first time,  I hope he takes Jamies Italian in Edinburgh by a storm! It is sad for Alastair to see his son move away but Edinburgh is not 'that' far. My step-daughter, Chloe, is back in Bosnia Herzegovina, and this is truly a world away. She is so bravely facing life and learning to be her own person whilst also learning to accept help and support from those around her in a way that belies her years. It is so hard these days for our children to find their path as they grow towards and through early adulthood; there are no certainties out there for them. While we adults might feel that the rug has been pulled from under us because the certainties in jobs, housing and financial security we were promised are proving to be somewhat elusive, at least we had the solid, stability of belief in those things to carry us through our formative years. Now our children are growing-up to meet a world that doesn't promise them anything.

So the something more...

Well this week I accepted my place on the Masters in Public Health course at Leeds Metropolitan University (about to rename itself Leeds Beckett University). I think it is this change that has encouraged me to write again, which is rather a positive sign. I'm tempted to say "Watch this space!" but hey my track-record of keeping this blog up-to-date aint very good so far...

Monday, 30 September 2013

Freedom to Rome






I am enjoying Freedom to Rome by Nick Warlow and Angela Michel so much :)

From the publishers website: "This book charts the route taken by a couple of non-hikers who decided to walk from York to Rome in 2012 with a pair of artificial hips."

It seemed particularly fitting to start reading it yesterday sat in the sun on the new steps up to York Minster (the Minster Piazza), under the silent gaze of Constantine the Great who was declared Roman Emperor whilst in York in 306AD.


A little more about the journey and the wonderful Angela and Nick can be read on their blog:
nickwarlowangelamichel.blogspot.co.uk/

You can also get free courier delivery if you live in York - ours was delivered to the door on Saturday by Nick himself just before I headed to City Screen to see Lois get her head shaved for Kyra... more on this in the next post (and no it won't be a 2 month wait!)

I will write more when I have finished the book but, for now, all I can say is order one now!!

Tuesday, 30 July 2013

Walk Away

An old poem I wrote in 2002, that came to mind today.

Walk Away
2002

what am I
don't my feelings matter
oh yes I know you say they do
but how about you show it

who am I
that you can't respect me
that you don't protect me
why can't you just show it

bitter is the feeling
that my tears are falling
falling on an empty little lie
can't you see it

see the pain that haunts me
want to stay and hold me
but you can look then walk away
don't you feel it

why don't you feel it
feel it, see it, show it
feel that I need you
yet you walk away

don't walk away

why am I so stupid
why does it all matter
why can't I just
smile and walk away...




(Edit: P.S.Hush your worrying my dear Alastair, I love you x)

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

The Equality Trust & Beasley Street

Good post on The Equality Trust's blog: Was Beasley Street the road to The Equality Trust?

Long time since I last read this poem, wonderfully evocative....

Beasley Street
by John Cooper Clarke

Far from crazy pavements -
The taste of silver spoons
A clinical arrangement
On a dirty afternoon
Where the fecal germs of Mr Freud
Are rendered obsolete
The legal term is null and void
In the case of Beasley Street

In the cheap seats where murder breeds
Somebody is out of breath
Sleep is a luxury they don't need
- a sneak preview of death
Belladonna is your flower
Manslaughter your meat
Spend a year in a couple of hours
On the edge of Beasley Street

Where the action isn't
That's where it is
State your position
Vacancies exist
In an X-certificate exercise
Ex-servicemen excrete
Keith Joseph smiles and a baby dies
In a box on Beasley Street

From the boarding houses and the bedsits
Full of accidents and fleas
Somebody gets it
Where the missing persons freeze
Wearing dead men's overcoats
You can't see their feet
A riff joint shuts - opens up
Right down on Beasley Street

Cars collide, colours clash
Disaster movie stuff
For a man with a Fu Manchu moustache
Revenge is not enough
There's a dead canary on a swivel seat
There's a rainbow in the road
Meanwhile on Beasley Street
Silence is the code

Hot beneath the collar
An inspector calls
Where the perishing stink of squalor
Impregnates the walls
The rats have all got rickets
They spit through broken teeth
The name of the game is not cricket
Caught out on Beasley Street

The hipster and his hired hat
Drive a borrowed car
Yellow socks and a pink cravat
Nothing La-di-dah
OAP, mother to be
Watch the three-piece suite
When shit-stoppered drains
And crocodile skis
Are seen on Beasley Street

The kingdom of the blind
A one-eyed man is king
Beauty problems are redefined
The doorbells do not ring
A lightbulb bursts like a blister
The only form of heat
Here a fellow sells his sister
Down the river on Beasley Street

The boys are on the wagon
The girls are on the shelf
Their common problem is
That they're not someone else
The dirt blows out
The dust blows in
You can't keep it neat
It's a fully furnished dustbin,
Sixteen Beasley Street

Vince the ageing savage
Betrays no kind of life
But the smell of yesterday's cabbage
And the ghost of last year's wife
Through a constant haze
Of deodorant sprays
He says retreat
Alsations dog the dirty days
Down the middle of Beasley Street

People turn to poison
Quick as lager turns to piss
Sweethearts are physically sick
Every time they kiss.
It's a sociologist's paradise
Each day repeats
On easy, cheesy, greasy, queasy
Beastly Beasley Street

Eyes dead as vicious fish
Look around for laughs
If I could have just one wish
I would be a photograph
On a permanent Monday morning
Get lost or fall asleep
When the yellow cats are yawning
Around the back of Beasley Street

Beasley Street on John Cooper Clarke's website